By Sherri Stevens
Can I set limits with others and still be a loving person?
Many sincere and dedicated believers are confused about how to set biblically appropriate boundaries. But when it comes to setting limits, God is our model. God does not really “set limits” with people to “make them” behave. He sets standards and allows people the freedom to choose whether or not they will respect his standards so that they can enter into a relationship with him.
In reality, setting boundaries with others is a misnomer. We can’t do that. We can’t control or change other people. We can only control and change ourselves. We can limit our exposure to people who are irresponsible or abusive or those whose values we may not align with.
Because so many of us struggle with understanding healthy boundaries, we often overemphasize what we think is acting unselfishly toward others and neglect our self-care. When we "love too much," we inevitably suffer the negative physical or emotional consequences of our lack of limits. This blog aims to clarify some biblical principles of how we can best love others with appropriate limits, which will hopefully help all of us achieve the healthy relationships God intends for us.
THE BIBLICAL PRECEDENT FOR PROTECTING YOUR PERSONAL PROPERTY AND PERSONHOOD
Many of us don't establish healthy boundaries because we don't know that God supports our right to protect our personal property and that the Bible teaches the principle of establishing personal boundaries. One of the "Big Ten" included in the Ten Commandments says, "Thou shall not steal" (Ex. 20:15; Deut. 5:19). Implied in this commandment is the precedent of protecting our personal property and our right of ownership.
Another of the Ten Commandments says, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor” (Ex. 20:17). This commandment clearly illustrates that God recognizes an individual's right of ownership by the using the phraseology "belongs to your neighbor."
Recorded in the Law of Moses, we read commands that forbid anyone to move their neighbor's boundary stones. "You must not move your neighbor's boundary marker, which was set up by your ancestors to mark the inheritance you shall receive in the land that the LORD your God is giving you to possess (Deut. 19:14); "Do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless (Prov.23:10). We can conclude from this Biblical precedent that God supports and affirms an individual's right to protect their private property.
Along with protecting our personal property, the Bible also teaches us to protect our personhood. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above everything else guard your heart, because from it flow the springs of life." Although much of Scripture teaches us wisdom about how to guard and protect our hearts, most messages preached from the pulpit overemphasize humility and selflessness to such a degree that the true meaning of "loving our neighbor" is distorted. Loving our neighbor does not preclude demonstrating loving limits. On the contrary, loving our neighbor presumes we will demonstrate loving limits.
Scripture teaches us that we are responsible to God to steward our hearts and the resources He has given us. To do that, we need to learn to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries enable us to serve God to the utmost of our ability by prioritizing God’s mission for us on this earth.
WE ARE IN THE WORLD BUT NOT OF THE WORLD
When we become believers, God delivers us from the domain of darkness and transfers us into the kingdom of his beloved Son (Col. 1:13). Although we are in the world—physically present—we are not of it (John 17:14-15). We no longer share its values. As new creations in Christ, we no longer want to conform to the world's patterns but seek to be transformed by renewing our minds (Rom. 12:1-2). But to live a holy and righteous life means to be set apart from worldly ways.
Living in the world but not of it requires consecration. Living a consecrated life means aligning our thoughts and actions with God's purposes. Consecration requires separation, and separation requires boundaries. If we are to be a light to those in spiritual darkness, we will want to live so that those outside the faith will recognize that there is something “different” about us. Being "different" demands that our lifestyles have definition.
SETTING BOUNDARIES BY USING "I' STATEMENTS
Have you ever said this? "I tried to set a boundary with them, but it didn't work." Why is it that when we try to set boundaries with other people, it often doesn't work? What are we missing? What are we doing wrong? It is helpful to understand that when we communicate a boundary for another person to follow, we are making a request. A request does not guarantee a new relational dynamic between you and that other person. The person we attempt to set a boundary with can either comply with our request or deny it. Fortunately, when boundaries are appropriately communicated and enforced, we will maintain control of the outcome of any situation regardless of how the other person chooses to respond.
We often get into trouble when we try to set boundaries for other people to follow instead of communicating the clear boundaries we need for ourselves. For example, we might say, "You need to stop yelling at me." This statement gives the other person the power to deny or honor our request and leaves us at the mercy of whatever they choose to do.
A more effective way to communicate a boundary is to use "I" statements. When we express our needs to someone using "I" statements, we maintain control of the outcome of any relational dynamic. For example, we might say, "If you are going to continue to yell at me, then I am going to need to leave until we can have a respectful conversation."
WHAT ARE SOME REASONS WE GET CONFUSED ABOUT BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries often get blurred when we confuse or conflate seemingly similar terms regarding what we are or are not responsible for. Let's get clear about just what a boundary is. A boundary is a personal property line that marks what we are accountable for. They define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries are not an offensive weapon but a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t attack, control, or hurt another person. They guard our hearts and protect our personhood. The following is a list of these seemingly similar concepts that, when compared and contrasted, can help us see more clearly how we might best love another person according to legitimate and biblical motivations.
Acceptance vs. Access
Accepting another person does not necessarily mean that we grant them access to our lives. Many examples throughout Scripture illustrate this distinction. For example, in Genesis 3:24, we read that after Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command by eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, which He had commanded them not to do, God expelled them from His presence and set up cherubim to guard His garden with a flaming sword.
In the life of Jesus, we read various accounts of how Jesus demonstrated healthy boundaries. One example is an event described in Luke 5:15-16 when Jesus walked away from the crowds thronged around him who wanted to be healed so he could go away and spend time alone with his Father. Jesus didn't heal everyone.
In the Old Testament, we read about specific qualifications for those granted access to the Tabernacle's inner sanctuary according to their integrity level. Only the most qualified and responsible individuals were allowed entrance into the inner sanctuary called the Holy of Holies, and this is a helpful model for us to follow in our lives, too. A person's admittance into our lives should be based on the level of responsibility they demonstrate, not by their words. To the degree a person demonstrates integrity in their own life, we can consider them safe in accessing the "holy of holies" of our hearts.
People-pleasing vs. God-pleasing
Many of us feel guilty if we don’t stay in the lives of people who say they need us. But we are not called to absorb the abuse of others or to alleviate the anxiety of those who adversely affect us. However, many of us remain in relationships that adversely affect us because we haven't learned to prioritize pleasing God over pleasing people. The Apostle Paul put it this way: "Am I now seeking the approval of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Gal. 1:10).
To stop people-pleasing, we must recognize that our highest calling is to please God. Pleasing God and pleasing people are not always compatible. Pleasing people may compete with pleasing God. We read an example of how Jesus prioritized pleasing God over pleasing people in his response to his mother at a wedding in Galilee: "When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” “Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come” (John 2:2-4).
Jesus did not allow other people's requests to direct his course of action. He did not let others' disappointments dictate or derail his mission of fulfilling God's purposes for his life during his ministry. To accomplish God's mission, we must recognize and avoid falling prey to others' manipulations.
False-guilt vs. Real Guilt
Prioritizing pleasing God can mean disappointing other people. When we disappoint other people, we typically experience a wave of false guilt that can make us feel so uncomfortable that we end up complying with the other person's wishes to alleviate our anxious feelings. So, what can we do to change this people-pleasing trap we often fall into?
First, we must recognize and differentiate between false and real guilt. Once we have identified that we are experiencing false guilt, we must be willing to feel those uncomfortable feelings that arise within us when we “let people down.” And by “let people down,” I mean “not do everything that anyone asks of you.”
In their book Boundaries, the authors write: "A sign that you’re becoming a boundaried person is often a sense of self-condemnation….When the struggler actually sets a limit…the conscience moves into overdrive, as its unrealistic demands are being disobeyed….In a funny way…activating the hostile conscience is a sign of spiritual growth." It can motivate us to stick with our boundaries when we understand that experiencing uncomfortable feelings is a sign that we are spiritually growing.
Enabling vs. Empowering
Here is a comforting thought and a freeing revelation: You are no one's savior. You are just another one of the sheep! Contrary to the Messiah Complex many of us have adopted, we need to acknowledge and retire from trying to be a savior for another human being. We cannot be anyone else's savior, nor has God called us to play that role. When we attempt to play that role in someone else's life, we block God from being God in that person's life.
It is not your responsibility to subsidize another person’s irresponsibility or pay the penalty for another person’s poor choices. We are responsible to other people and for ourselves. Loving another person allows people the freedom to make their own choices, including allowing them to suffer the negative consequences of their poor decisions.
If a person wants "a piece of you," it can be helpful for us to ask ourselves the following questions:
- Could this person provide this for themselves?
- Are they unable or just unwilling to do whatever it is they are asking me to do for them?
- Will helping this person cause them to be more dependent or more autonomous?
- Will helping this person cause them to be more entitled or more grateful?
- If I do this, will it cause me to be resentful or cheerful?
Satisfying a person's every need is not our role or responsibility. We are not meant to be everything for everybody. Asking ourselves these questions can help us clarify what God is leading us to do without being led astray by others.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
Loving others with limits can become very confusing when we confuse what it means to forgive another person with reconciling with another person. Forgiving another person does not necessarily mean reconciling with that other person. Forgiveness requires one person, while reconciliation requires two people. We are called to forgive others, but we are not required to reconcile with anyone who has been deceitful or caused harm.
To consider reconciling with someone who has betrayed our trust, that person must have taken ownership of their wrongdoing and earned back our trust. Interestingly, nowhere in the Bible says we should trust other people. It does say that we should love other people. Every passage in the Bible addressing the topic of trusting people warns us not to trust people but to put our trust in God! "Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?" (Is. 2:22).
Hurting vs. Harming
We sometimes struggle with setting boundaries because we fail to differentiate between what it is to hurt another person versus what it is to harm a person. When a doctor cuts into a patient's body with a scalpel, the doctor will inevitably hurt the patient. On the other hand, another person could take a knife and cut into someone's body with the intent of harming them. Both people are inflicting pain and suffering, but one person is hurting another person, intending to ultimately heal them, while the other person is harming someone with no higher goal than to inflict injury.
Differentiating between what it is to hurt a person and what it is to harm a person can help us stay firmly committed to the boundaries we have communicated to another person if we experience a kickback from that person. Not everyone will resist the boundaries we speak, but it can help us stay committed to the boundaries we have communicated when we remind ourselves that we may need to hurt another person in order to help them.
Selfishness vs. Stewardship
Self-care is not selfish. Responsible stewardship requires us to care for the health and well-being of our body, mind, and soul. Proverbs 14:30 says, "A heart at peace gives life to the body." To effectively impact the kingdom of God, we need to reserve enough energy to accomplish our God-given tasks. Prioritizing God's purpose for our lives means that we protect our peace, and protecting our peace comes at a cost. The price we often pay is disappointing others when we choose not to satisfy their every request.
If we intend to live out the purpose God created for us to live, we must normalize saying "no." We compromise our health when we say yes to things that compromise our values. Don’t contort your character to fit someone else’s lack of character. Distance yourself from people who create dissonance in your soul and draw closer to those who hold space for harmony.
CLOSING COMMENTS
God is love, and yet God sets limits. From the beginning, God set the world in motion by setting boundaries. In Genesis 1, we read that God transformed what was formless into separate spaces. He separated the light from darkness and the land from the sea (Gen. 1:1-10). In Genesis 2, God demonstrated boundary-keeping by expelling Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden after they disobeyed His command not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
You are also the gatekeeper of your garden. God has given you a garden (your personal property and your personhood) to steward so that you can enjoy it and that it would reflect His glory. Keep people out of your garden who carry chaos and destruction, and draw closer to those who cultivate calm. Calibrate your social circle according to high standards and strong values compatible with your calling.
